Forever Yours
by DaniPayson
Summary: A possible look of what could have happened after Trust No 1


Forever yours….Dana

The words stayed on my mind as well as the truth behind them, along with the fear that he may never read them. As I left the Internet Café, pushing the stroller along the bone chilling streets of Georgetown I felt a coldness I had never yet felt; the fear that comes with the unknown. The elation I had felt as I watched that train pull into the station had turned to ache with the pull of a trigger. Now a little girl was left without a father and my child was left with the uncertainty of his being.

The apartment was cold as well, I had prepared it for a homecoming that would not come. Never be. I couldn't let myself think that. He had been through worse; we had been through worse and I had to trust with every fiber of my being that he was okay, but the pain in my heart remained. After his bottle I placed William in his crib, the wide eyes of his father staring back at me as if he was trying to assure me that everything would be okay. I wanted to believe this to be true, but the pain remained.

To distract myself from the throbbing ache I decided to tidy up. The last few months of motherhood and sleepless nights had turned the once pristine apartment I called home into something that looked like a tornado had hit it. Mulder would be proud. I had to smile at the thought as I picked up various bibs, and blankets from spit ups and excess drooling and brought them to the hamper. The bedroom was less of a mess, given I spent little time there as of late, but as I leaned down to pick up a towel which had fallen from the pile in my hands to the floor, I saw something under the bed, something that did not belong there. Reaching under I grabbed the crumbled up garment and brought it to the light, the ache growing with the sight of the item. It was Mulder's New York Knicks shirt. He had had it for years, why it was under my bed I hadn't a clue…then it came to me…eight months pregnant and feelings of need in the afternoon, right after he had gone to play basketball at the Y because to quote him "I have no job, I should be allowed to play." I remembered the scent…the moment and the insane need to rip the shirt off of him. As I brought the shirt to my chest the memories flooded and the aching returned. I needed him. I never realized how much I needed him until he was no longer by my side. As tears began to fall I got up off the floor and pulled off my flannel top, the chill of the January air instantly hitting my skin as I quickly pulled the shirt over my head, needing to feel it against me, needing to feel any part of him that I could. The shirt engulfed my body as I pulled it down, looking at the logo as it lay against my chest. The memories of our last nights together flooded my mind as I crawled onto the bed, too much in a trance of reminiscences to bother with the covers I brought my knees to my chest and held them there, wishing it was his arms around me as I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.

Banging.

There was banging. My eyes fluttered open as I looked at the clock; I had only been asleep for a good twenty minutes before I was awakened by banging. As my mind collected itself I realized someone was knocking on the door. Too withdrawn to bother with my weapon or look through the peephole I opened the door and within seconds two arms were around my waist pulling me up to awaiting lips. Deep and needing he pulled me off my feet as he entered the apartment and slammed the door behind him. My mind turned foggy, and my body went limp as I melted into the protective feel of him, never wanting to let go. When he finally parted he just stared into my eyes, that same look William had given me earlier, that look of reassurance. And then, he smiled as he slowly lowered me to the ground.

"You're filthy." I said noticing he resembled a specific Peanuts character that seemed to walk around with a dust cloud around him at all times.

"Jumping off a train and fleeing through a quarry will do that to a guy." Mulder laughed, removing a tan baseball cap from his head and running his fingers through his hair.

Blinking back tears all I could do was look at him, no other words coming to my mind. He looked thin, too thin, it had been so many months since I had last seen him and this didn't look normal.

"Hey, that's mine." He said pointing to the shirt, "I was wondering what happened to it."

"I found it under the bed."

"Ah." He said looking around the apartment, "Perfect as always."

Not earlier.

"I can't stay." He said softly.

I nodded, "I know." I just couldn't take my mind off his gaunt like frame, "Are you hungry?"

"No." Mulder replied in the same flat tone. "Haven't really been for some time."

"I can tell." I crossed my arms and leaned against the couch, "When did you last eat?"

Mulder shrugged and went to scratch his head, instantly wincing and jerking his hand back.

"Did you hurt yourself?" I questioned, realizing it came out in a motherly accusatory tone.

"Probably." He snipped back.

Patting the couch I instructed him to sit down, "Let me see."

"But I'm filthy, remember."

"I don't care."

"That's a first."

Annoyed I grabbed his arm and pulled him to the couch, realizing it was much easier than it should have been and pressing him down before me, right on his smart ass. Running my fingers through his hair and observing his scalp I found bits of gravel, and dirt. "Did you fall on your head?"

"I may have tripped at some point."

"May have?"

"There's a strong possibility."

"Dammit, Mulder." I cursed going to the bathroom and returning with cotton balls and a large bottle of iodine which I placed on the coffee table, before getting on my knees on the couch next to him.

"Big enough bottle?" Mulder asked picking up the ointment

"With you around…" I replied taking it from him and opening the bottle, placing the cotton ball on the open end and turning it over until I felt the liquid seep onto the other side, "This will probably burn."

"Used to it." He griped.

And as always he winced when I dabbed the small like brush burns on his scalp, there were quite a few little ones but nothing life threatening, when I was sure all were covered I sealed the bottle and lowered myself to face him, "I feared you were dead."

"Wouldn't be the first time." Mulder gave a small smile then sighed, "Are you ok?"

"We're ok."

"Is he sleeping?"

I nodded again, "Big night. His grandma spoils him."

"I'm sure she does."

Then there was silence. This seemed weird, uncommon, most of the time you couldn't get either of us to stop talking, but here we were, after months apart and we couldn't carry on a conversation to save our lives. Maybe sometimes words didn't need to be said.

"I should clean up." He said.

I nodded. "I probably should have made you do that before I used the iodine."

"Dr. Slacker."

"Dr. Tired."

Mulder nodded and stood up, looking down as he made his way to the bathroom and closed the door behind him. Closing my eyes I let my body fall back on the couch and stared up at the ceiling. Our relationship had never been defined; it required a dictionary of its own making, but the silence was murder. The distance. Had so much time passed? Was it easier to write what he felt than actually say it? For Mulder, it probably was. By now this was something I should have known.

I went to William's room as I heard the water from the shower begin, turning on the light I noticed he was awake, and staring up at the mobile I prayed wouldn't start moving. Too much I couldn't explain to Mulder, too much I didn't want to have to explain to him. Not now. Not until we were finally settled and could be a real family. William's little legs kicked towards the end of his crib as he looked up at me, his clenched fists in the air like he was about to box a ghost. Such a little miracle in every sense of the word, I just wanted his life to be perfect. Normal and perfect. Before long the water had stopped, and as I continued to stare down at the perfect being that refused to sleep I felt two strong arms wrap around my waist, pulling me against his warm body. This was what I needed, to feel him. William's legs kicked harder as Mulder leaned over my shoulder and as I titled my head I could my feel my heart beating faster at the sight of a father looking at his son. His wet hair dripping onto my neck as he pulled me tighter to him, I closed my eyes and placed my hands on his, trying to make the connection even closer.

"Yeah, I think I won the pool, he's definitely mine."

"Shut up, Mulder." I said honestly sick of the jokes but oh how I missed his sarcastic wit.

And he did shut up, for a few moments, just holding me there in moments I wish I could freeze in time; his hair continuing to drip onto my neck and running a trail down my breast causing me to shudder at the feel of it.

As if he felt the shudder, Mulder withdrew his arms from my body and stepped away, "Let's let him sleep." He said softly, taking my hand in his and with the other turning off the light of the bedroom.

I noticed now he was only wearing a towel, and that his frame was substantially smaller than the last time we were together, but watching his back muscles move as he led me to the bedroom reminded me of all the things I had planned to welcome him home. But he wasn't home. Not for good. Not yet; and with that thought the ache returned, even as he led me to the bed and sat down, looking up at me, "What is it?" he asked now taking both my hands in his, obviously sensing my pain.

I could no longer fight the impending tears as I looked down into his eyes, "I can't lose you. Not again."

"You won't." he said squeezing my hands.

My chest shuddered with his touch and I let the tears fall, "But you keep running, and I don't even know what you're running from, and I just want us to be able to move past all of this and start over."

"I know you do. And we will. I promise you that."

I could feel for once he was being truthful, "Promise."

He nodded and pulled me closer to him, "We'll get a big house out in the country, and maybe get some rabbits."

"Rabbits?"

"You don't like rabbits."

"Bad memories."

"Ok so maybe not rabbits, but we'll get some kind of furry animal and you can go out and fight the bad guys while I sit at home fighting against government conspiracies."

"You'd be a freeloader."

"Yes I would."

"Would you wear pink Izod shirts?"

"Not if you paid me."

I couldn't help but chuckle at the memories as he placed his hands on my waist and looked up into my eyes, "All kidding aside, I do promise."

"I know you do." I sighed heavily, "It just feels like every moment some force is out there trying to break us."

"Then we need to make every moment count."

"Yes, we do."

Slowly he parted his legs, bringing me between them as I lowered my head to his, tenderly kissing his lips as my body pressed against his, my hands cupping his stubbly cheeks I felt his growing need against me and felt my own needs take over as I dove my tongue between his lips while pushing my him onto the bed where he then flipped me over onto my back and parted from me, looking down into my eyes.

"Don't rush it." He dictated.

"Why!" I moaned back

He shook his head, "Just don't."

As he traced my face with his fingers I understood what he meant. This was a moment that needed to last, to give us the strength to continue without the other, holding onto the memories. He wanted to capture each second and hold onto it, for however long it would be. Only hours earlier I feared he was gone forever, and now here he was with me, even if for a short time I needed to cherish the moment, for those oh so lonely nights ahead. Eventually his lips returned to mine as his fingers traveled downward, to the hem of my pajama bottoms and then under, slowly searching for where I needed him most. I gasped into him as his fingers found my center, his teeth gently biting my lower lip as he teased me with his touch. Slowly. Ever so slowly. Painfully so as I withered under him, my own hands desperately searching for what I needed greatly. As I pulled at the towel his fingers stopped and he parted from me again. My need was too great, and by now I sensed he could see it in my eyes because he didn't speak, he simply nodded and removed the towel for me. He then sat up, his legs bracing mine and took care of the rest of the clothing between us, except the shirt, as I went to pull it off he objected.

"Keep it on. I like seeing you in it." He said before returning his lips to mine and kissing me the way he did when he first walked in the door, his lower half doing the same as he entered me with the same unbridled desire. My back arched with the sudden pain of being filled, it had been so long, but quickly my body eased into him just like it had every time before and as my body relaxed around him his lips moved to my neck, biting into it like a wild animal and I did all I could to keep from screaming in painful ecstasy, which I never even knew was a term until the night I finally gave into my destiny and regretted seven years of not knowing the taste of his lips or the feel of him inside of me. Seven years I would spend the rest of my existence making up for as he began to move faster, obviously now unable to "not rush it" himself, which I would so call him out on if I my eyes weren't rolling into the back of my head with each thrust. My hands moved to his behind, digging my nails into the soft flesh as I attempted to pull him deeper inside of me. He groaned into my ear and then punished my lobe the same way he punished my neck and this time I let a small scream emerge, hoping to God William didn't hear me and was too young to be traumatized by his parents behaving like wild animals only one room away.

As my hands gripped harder onto him he began to tense, and as he came he moaned my name into my ear and my body froze. Not in lust, not in ecstasy, in shock; because for the first time, in this moment he moaned…Dana.

My eyes clenched shut, there was no way I could let myself cry now, not like this, but everything was different now. We had been different for some time, our first time together created a son, a child who was never to be, and this was the first time we had made love as true partners…parents. With that thought my own body tensed and I felt the release I so needed come over me, but I didn't moan, I didn't scream or cry out I simply let the tears fall. Tears of loss because I knew this would be the last moments with this man for some time. I opened my eyes and he was watching me, seeming perplexed at such an emotion and giving an expression of a confused child afraid he had done something wrong. I tried to smile, to reassure him that everything he had done was right, so right, but my mouth refused to form such an appearance. The fear of losing him again foremost on my mind all I could do was cry. As if he could read my mind, Mulder simply nodded and sat up, pulling my limp arms around him and then wrapping his ever so strong ones around my shaking fragile frame, pressing me against his chest, our hearts beating on opposite sides but together. After a few seconds he slowly lowered our bodies back onto the bed, our heads each landing on a pillow as if such a move was perfectly planned. We stayed like this for many moments, moments which seemed to pass in slow motion as I opened my eyes and found him looking directly at me.

"Maybe a couple of dogs." He said softly.

I was now finally able to give a small smile, "I like dogs."

"Me too." He said, his eyes refusing to leave my face, "But I have to admit, I'm pretty fond of cats too."

"We'll have to get some of those too."

"We'll be in the country; we can get whatever we want. No landlords pushing us around."

"Damn straight!" I giggled in return, his eyes still focused on me, "We can do whatever we want."

He yawned, and nodded, "For now, we sleep."

"I want that. Just don't let go."

"I won't" He said before closing his eyes.

But he didn't promise and I should have made him, because when I awoke the next morning I was alone. So very alone. The apartment felt colder than it had the mornings before, and I could hear early morning gurgling on the baby monitor. He was gone. Was he ever there at all, or did I dream it? I got up as I did every morning, alone, and went to the kitchen to prepare a bottle for my son, and when I got to the fridge there was a piece of paper taped to it. The words warmed my heart and shattered it at the same time.

"Cows. I like cows."

I smiled as I ripped it off the fridge staring at the words. Content in knowing it wasn't a dream and broken by knowing that once again, he was gone.


End file.
